Let's Not Compare

At the turn of the New Year many of us take stock of the closing year and set goals for the next. It’s a great think to do as long as in the process we focus on ourselves and don’t make too many comparisons.

Do you remember the joy of being a kid on Christmas and opening presents? Along with the sweaters, socks, and underwear—things we really didn’t care much about until we discovered what it costs to buy them for ourselves—were toys. Sleds, skates, games, dolls, toy guns, trucks, bikes were miraculously delivered under the tree and life was very, very good.

At least for a little while. After enjoying that big gift—let’s say it was a bike, we’d head into the neighborhood to see our friends. “Santa brought me a bike! What did he bring you?”

“Santa brought me a bike too. How many speeds is yours?”

Speeds? “Uh, one, I guess.”

“Oh. He brought me a three-speed.”

Ouch! Suddenly, that bike that made life so very, very good a few short hours earlier looked pretty lame and “three-speed” began to loom large in our hopes and expectations for next Christmas or maybe next birthday. And to think that we began the day so content and joyful.

Some things change: Over the years we’ve progressed from bikes and dolls to jobs, houses, and children (“My son/daughter the [fill in the blank with some impressive profession]”).

Some things never change: Comparing ourselves and our successes to others still robs us of joy by robbing us of contentment. If we fall short of others, we can become resentful and envious. If we “beat” the others, we can become (oh, let’s be honest, we do become) proud and nervous. As someone said, we become failures or Pharisees and neither is an attractive alternative.

The answer is not to compare at all. The ancient Greek philosopher, Epictetus wrote, “Men are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them.” It’s not the one-speed bike that’s the problem, it’s a lack of gratitude. It’s not being out of work, living in an underwater home, or having a child who’s a Whack-A-Mole repairperson that’s the problem. It’s our attitude—an attitude that will only find greater purchase in our lives as we get older.

So I intend to look over 2012 and thoughtfully consider 2013, but I’m going to try to do it with gratitude before I look things over with a critical eye. There’s certainly room for improvement and there are things that need to change. But the key to improvement and change is gratitude for what’s working and contentment with right here and right now.