The First 35 Years

Thirty-five years ago today, on January 14, 1978 at Park Street Church in Boston, Dottie and I tied the knot. “No matter what unexpected things happen during the ceremony,” our pastor promised, “you will walk out of the church married.”

Unexpected things did happen during the service—late arrivals, missed cues, the inability to spit out “memorized” lines—and he was right, we ended up married anyway. Since then, unexpected things continue to happen—live is never smooth, easy, or predictable—and we are married still.

How have we lasted all this time?

First, we believe that marriage is, in fact, a permanent calling. “Till death do us part,” means just what it sounds like it means. Vows are real and vows are binding. When problems arise, we know how to kick the can down the road a time or two, but sooner or later, we’ve tackled the issues confronting us. If for no other reason, we’ve done it because made vows and so had no other choice.

Second, for the most part, we’ve managed to avoid the marriage killers listed in a recent article at Match.com: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character by saying something like, “you never help with the dishes” or “why are you always so late?” Contempt involves putting your partner down (i.e., “you’re stupid for believing that”). Defensiveness often involves rebuffing your partner’s complaint with one of your own (“I may be late, but you’re way too uptight about it.”) Stonewalling involves clamming up and refusing to hash things out with your partner at all.

Third, and again, for the most part, we tell each other what we appreciate far more than we voice complaints. The same article notes that one researcher:

… found that 67 percent of happy couples say their spouse “often” made them feel good about themselves, whereas only 27 percent of unhappy couples could claim the same thing. The moral of the story: While you might assume your partner already knows you think he or she is smart/funny/sexy, or that you’re grateful he or she cooked dinner, it’s important that you reiterate your appreciation for each other often.

Flowers, favors, folding the laundry without being asked, compliments, encouragement, and a batch of cookies now and then have gone a long way to avoiding obstacles and to building the good will necessary to overcome obstacles that can’t be avoided.

Fourth, we sit down together for meals—breakfast, lunch, and dinner—whenever we are together. Studies have found that if a family has dinner together two or three times a week, all sorts of problems never take hold or simply evaporate.

Finally, we share a deep faith in God, praying with each other and for each other. We do our best to love as we are loved and to forgive as we are forgiven. Thirty-five years ago we were told that even under the best circumstances, marriage is work, work that requires divine help. And there’s no doubt in my mind that that is true. Contra the famous line from Love Story, love is regularly saying you’re sorry. It’s also repeatedly offering forgiveness. The willingness ask for and to offer forgiveness a gift of grace.

So with thanks for the adventures of our first 35 years, we’re on to the next 35 with all the new adventures they will bring. It’s been great and it’s going to be great.